Thursday, December 2, 2004

European Dinosaurs !

According to Reuters, scientists have found “well-preserved fossils of a new dinosaur species that lived 225 million years ago in southern Brazil but had its closest relatives in what is now Europe.” Holy Boneyard, Batman !

Well, this is such old news. Your host, El Jefe Maximo, working from the comfort of his superbly-equipped laboratories (pronounced "lab-bore-atories" in the proper stuffy English butler manner), deep in his vast Palace by the sea, has already found and catalogued several interesting species of European dinosaurs. What’s more, El Jefe’s Eurosaurs are actually living fossils !

First there is the Jacqueus Chiracus, member of the Frenchus Poodleus class of dinosaurs. It runs around croaking or yapping with its distinctive bark while the adults are trying to get work done. “Non !, Non !, Non !” it bleats incessantly. Despite the loud shrillness of its bark, it scuttles away in terror when one turns round and says “Boo !”– running under the table wailing “UN Veto !” in terror.

Then there is Guardian Newspaperous. Looks a lot like Karl Marx’s and Lenin’s love child, but despite its efforts to cultivate the enfant terrible look, it’s getting a bit long in the tooth. Waves a big red flag and vapors about American imperialism a lot. Growls when Tony Blair’s name is mentioned. Puts itself and everyone around it to sleep by crooning The Internationale to itself at the slightest opportunity.

Don’t forget Spanishus Socialistus Partius. People who cause loud bangs in its habitat can make it do whatever they want.

A rapidly proliferating species of Eurosaur is Eurocratius Maximus. This large pest is even more virulent then its American cousin, FederalBureaucratis Maximus. Vomits forms in quintuplicate and can often be found prowling around the premises of English greengrocers, ensuring that they price in Euros, not Pounds. A bitter foe of Boeing, but its favorite prey is American agricultural exporters.

Certainly the shrillest and loudest of the European dinosaurs is Lefty Pacifistus. This beast is found in America also. Can be found any place there’s a good anti-American demonstration. Avoids bathing when possible, and is normally trailed by a large cloud of marijuana smoke. Fed with liberal portions of (very brief) political tracts and Noam Chomsky publications, which it delights in prating about incessently. Among the most interesting creatures in the animal kingdom because of their complete lack of a spine. Will put up with absolutely anything for one more day of uninterrupted enjoyment of the welfare state. Completely deaf to victims of Saddam’s, Castro’s or Kim Jong-il’s jails.

Of course there is Biggus Germanus, most recently the Schroederus variety. Works ten minutes of every day, then takes the rest of the day off. Takes 50 week vacations. Because of some unpleasantness a few years ago, has significant anxiety about being liked by all the other Eurosaurs. For this reason, Biggus Germanus looks up to the Jacqueus Chiracus, and Frenchus Poodleus both which like to pat its head patronizingly and call it “Igor.” However, when and if aroused, Biggus Germanus could make a meal of Frenchus Poodleus faster then you can say “Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys.” El Jefe and other observers of the species wouldn’t bet against this possibility.

Finally there is Muslim Immigrantus. Sadly, this is probably the only Eurosaur that’s not a complete fossil. The population of this species of Eurosaur is growing exponentially, and at a much faster rate than all of the other Eurosaurs. Insists that its habitat be arranged exactly to its specifications. Occasionally eats Lefty Pacifistus, but as long as Muslim Immigrantus mouths the appropriate anti-American/Western diatribe beforehand, this is permitted. This Eurosaur is getting better and better at growling “jump” and getting all the other Eurosaurs to ask “how high ?”

El Jefe hopes you’ve enjoyed his tour d’horizon of the exciting Eurosaur discoveries in the El Jefe labs. Don’t look for this on NPR anytime soon.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

What about the newly enforced French law requiring bare heads from Muslim girls attending public schools?

To this observer it seems that the foolish Parliamentary ban outlawing fox-hunting will probably topple the Labour government.